Why did I turn so angry suddenly?
Was I really angry at the pain in the ass driver?
Perhaps I am angry because I could not think of anything else to say other than talking about the fxxking company.
Or was I angry that that could do jolly well without me.
That they can get useless people to take over my job role.
That is it.
My bigger than the world self esteem.
I cannot let go.
Accept that . It is over.
You have your other commitments where people are still expecting you to perform a miracle.
Stop wasting there.
(20 minutes, 3 Wendy’s nuggets and quarter packet of fries later)
What would Rinpoche and Dorzin say to me?
My seed of anger… What is it?
I am angry with who?
Is it those “useless” people that took my place?
Are they really useless? Why do I seem to hate Atome more than Meteor S? Because Meteor S is my friend?
I know Meteor S is very powerful right from the start. Now that he only shined after my absence, becoming The Menace’s right hand man.
Is that the real seed of my anger because I cannot hate my friend and that was the original objective to getting him in in the first place?
I was only irritated when Meteor S told me about Atome managing complaints, but I guess what really blew me up was when Superman told me the purpose of Meteor S’s conference call with Cheerful Y and how he asked everybody how he handled the call.
I am really pissed when I subconsciously realised The Menace saw right through my selfish self, that I cannot accept him over me.
Perhaps the hidden reason of pulling him in is to be better than him, ordering him around for once, assuaging my pathetic low self worth beside him over the years. Finally being my sidekick when I have been the sidekick and unnecessary attachment at the side, only serving my worth at times like being that chauffeur, that person who is always free.
Did I put myself into that mould? Willing to be the side kick, willing to be used & thrown away like a soiled tissue paper because I tried too hard to prove my worth?
Did I make myself too cheap instead because I thought putting in more is Co-related to higher net worth in the past?
In the first place, why am I comparing? Why should there be high and low? Why should there be more and less?
A tissue paper or a primadonna all have their existence in this universe; each as a single entity, each having their distinct purpose in this universe.
I was too tired and that was the truth.
I needed a break and that was true too.
I asked him in because I knew I could not handle that sort of work and he could do it much better than me.
Now that I left, the responsibilities I was handling no doubt has to be continued. No matter who. A job is still a job that needs to be carried out for the company to survive.
Did I expect the entire corporation to close down because I left? Funny now that I reflect and realise this illogical thought was really lurking in my mind.
Who is doing that job is none of my worries and they are just doing as what they are told, like how bosses generally expect all employees are robots.
No reason to be angry at all.
I got the break I was dying for.
I was responsible enough to prepare a backup before my expected collapse.
Mission is closed ethically and morally correct in my standards.
Good job girl.
Your subconscious mind has been very intelligent and way more sophisticated than your outward conscious emotional mind.
Complete brain break.
Thank you Rinpoche for coming by to visit my mind and guide my thoughts.